Southern Minnesota Nurses Share Their Personal Thoughts and Experiences as Covid-19 Rages

Photo credit: Melissa Neeb

With staggering Covid-19 case numbers, hospitals at or near capacity, and death rates climbing, one almost becomes desensitized to the news.

Unless you experience it firsthand.

There is no more riveting tale than the one going on close to home, in our own southern Minnesota communities. The nurses who are in the health care facilities, in the buildings and in the rooms, give testimony that is impossible to refute.

The stories they tell are both compelling and alarming. Their pleas desperate. Their exhaustion palpable.

They speak candidly about the fight they face with Covid-19 every day at work and in their personal lives. Their tones frank, their experiences dire.

Their voices demand to be heard.

***Disclaimer: These amazing nurses wish to remain anonymous. They don’t work together or even know each other. They were free to share whatever details they wanted. Their opinions and experiences are uniquely and entirely their own.

Here are their stories.

Nurse A:

We’re tired. We’re stressed. We’re beyond exhausted and the mental toll this is taking on us, especially those working in the ICUs and other front lines, is horrendous. And having to listen to friends and family who come up with every excuse in the world why they shouldn’t have to wear a mask, much less follow any other measures, is just the straw that’s breaking our backs. The measures aren’t going to stop the spread- but they might help us slow it down enough to keep us from being overwhelmed. If ‘every life matters’, then wear a mask, wash your hands, and stop social gathering.

I want to see my family, too. I want to have holidays with my whole family. I’m missing out on all that and am just as sad about it. But if it will keep JUST ONE PERSON from the suffering I’ve seen in the hospital, I will do it.

Health care workers are NOT your first line of defense. We are your LAST. The community is your first line, and that has failed. If we can regroup and recover our frontline defense in the community, then the last line of defense in the hospitals (your doctors, nurses, nurse aides, pharmacists, cleaning services, etc) might have a fighting chance.

So please, stand strong on the front lines. Your health care team on the last line begs you.

Nurse B:

There’s so much I could say…to be honest, I’m trying really hard to stay positive and optimistic through all of this. Sometimes it’s really hard with the constant changes.

The beginning of all this was terrifying because I didn’t want to bring any germs home to my kids or loved ones. Then right when I felt confident in our control with Covid, all hell broke loose. Inpatient numbers more than doubled, staff continue to fall ill, and they’re shifting nurses from the clinic into the hospital to help with nursing needs. They’re even asking retired nurses to come back. They’re closing OR’s & delaying elective surgeries again because we don’t have beds post-op.

It is so frustrating that people continue to belittle the seriousness of the situation we’re living in. The pandemic is real and it’s hitting us healthcare workers hard. I might not be in the front lines taking care of Covid patients on the floor but I am working diligently every day to make sure those numbers decrease. I wish the community would work just as hard to protect themselves and us by simply following the rules and recommendations put in place.

Nurse C:

2020 was my first full year as a new LPN. To say the least, it was not at all what I was expecting.

I’ve witnessed multiple families have conversations with their loved ones in nursing homes about changing their code status and rewriting what their final wishes would be. Residents have BEGGED and pleaded to me that they are ready to go to Heaven more than ever because the world has turned upside down and truly what is the point, if they can’t see their loved ones?

If residents aren’t dying from Covid-19 itself, or Covid-related conditions, they are dying of loneliness.

My grandma back in Iowa has recently had to stay in the hospital for 3 days due to heart complications; I wasn’t allowed to see her. She has been all alone in her apartment for the past 8 months and her life truly depends on family and quality time with loved ones.

I’ve seen a huge disconnect from her. All she has is technology and that has always been a struggle for her to figure out. Thankfully, family always popped in to show her how to work her iPad or fix her cell phone but now she has to figure it out on her own. She doesn’t sound the same on the phone; she’s lonely and would do just about anything to be sitting next to someone, drinking tea and NOT talking about the pandemic or politics.

It’s a lonely world for lots of us but when your last remaining years are filled with isolation and fear, it sure makes you question so many things. All I keep saying is, “It’s not fair.” To any generation. The price I would pay to be holding her hand again and having a cup of tea, talking about how crazy dark it is at 4 p.m, and then laughing because we say that every year.

During nursing school, my grandma would give me a kiss on each cheek and promise me that everything was going to be all right. What I would truly give to have those 2 kisses right now.

In the clinic, I have to disappointment families daily when we have a new rule now being implemented. Or watch parents yell back and forth when I have to tell them only one parent can be allowed in their kids’ appointment.

I’ve also been asking to cross-train in outpatient mental health due to rapid increase of new patients or increased frequency of visits by current patients.

At my one job, it’s almost “frowned upon” to get tested. It could almost feel threatening to get tested without at least 3 symptoms and the symptoms lasting longer than 5 days. Zero screening done.

My other job doesn’t require testing quite YET. Daily screening with vitals being taken and recorded. Zero staff with reported or positive tests nor residents. They have access to rapid testing, if needed. They have about 3 different “charts” to follow in case a staff member, resident, or a high-risk exposure happens.

It’s usually a daily changing situation and truly never know what you’re about to walk in to. Hospital employees get turned away from getting tested on a regular basis yet are the ones with firsthand exposure to all age groups.

I average about 24 med passes in 8 hours and could point out and tell you exactly the medication and dose of each resident 100 times by heart. Since March, those medications have changed drastically. Extreme increase in anti-depressants and a lot of new anti-anxiety prescriptions.

We are tired. So tired.

Nurse D:

To read her entire account, click here.

Excerpt:

It was a Friday afternoon when I got a text message from one of my management members saying that they went in to get tested due to having some mild flu symptoms and a free test was conducted in their area that particular day. Thinking nothing of it, I went on with my evening; it’s flu season, it probably is nothing.

Oh boy, was I wrong.

She tested positive. Because of the close work-relationship that management has in our facility while at work and privately, all of us had to go into quarantine and get tested that following Monday. Each of us got a different test: one had the saliva test, one got the mid-nasal, and one got the throat swab. Now the waiting began.

We were all convinced that we were positive due to the fact that we had just spent the last 3 days in close contact. We went out together to a meeting, spent lunch hours together, had a zoom meeting, and even went to purchase Christmas decorations for our facility.

I’m not going to lie, a lot of scenarios went through my head but my main concern was my family:

What if, after all these months of training and preparing, I brought it home to my family. What if my babies got sick? What about my husband? He has underlining health conditions and I could be the reason for him to get severely sick.

Believe me when I say that that night I said a very long prayer and didn’t sleep for a few nights until I finally got my test results…NEGATIVE…all 3 of us!!! YAHHH

Per CDC and MDH guidelines, because we were in contact with a confirmed Covid-19 positive person and we didn’t have any symptoms, we had to stay out for 14 days. I drove my daughter to my workplace, gave her my keys, and told her to get me the most important folders, files, calendars, and other necessities for me to keep doing my job remotely.

Now the mandatory testing for our residents and staff started:

We had a runny nose here and there, but again, it’s October and we just went from wearing t-shirts to having a 4-foot snow blizzard in one day. We are fine: after all, we had been following every single guideline for months and my girls were pros by now.

Oh boy, was I wrong again.

First round of testing and my care providers and residents tested positive one by one. Care providers had to stay home and positive residents had to go to full quarantine in their rooms. 2 week notices started to get placed on my desk.

Care providers told me that they wouldn’t show up for their shift because they were afraid to bring it home. We were down to 5 care providers and 3 of them where high schoolers who only worked part-time.

Parents started pulling their children out of fear of them getting sick. We didn’t have enough care providers left to cover all our shifts, so the decision was made to pull management out of quarantine so that we could work the floor.

Head count: 4 management, 2 care providers, and only 2 people for the kitchen were left with about 20 Covid-positive residents.

The next 10 days were the hardest and longest days that I had to endure since my service time. I decided to pack a suitcase because I knew I wouldn’t be going home for quite a while.

A: It wasn’t logical to drive back and forth just for a few hours that I may get a break and B: I didn’t want to take a chance of infecting my family.

We worked between 15 to 18 hours each day, trying to catch a quick snooze on blown-up air mattresses that we brought in and set up in our movie theater. We were eating a bunch of junk food while running up and down the hallway answering pages from residents who were running a temperature, had diarrhea, or were coughing so hard that they couldn’t catch their breath or were throwing up.

When I tell you that our Crocs didn’t have a profile left after these 10 days, I’m not over exaggerating. Around day #4, we noticed residents dropping in their O2. We normally would like to see a person’s O2 in the mid to upper 90’s if they don’t have underlining health conditions such as COPD.

We had residents complaining of shortness of breath left and right with an O2 in the mid 80’s. We were running to get oxygen tanks and hook up our residents so they could receive some sort of comfort. Ambulances were called because our residents where laughing one minute and dropping in their vitals the next and begging us for air.

It was a nightmare and not the even the best training or PPE could ever prepare you for this. Ambulances brought our residents back due to their age and the underlining health conditions they had.

Plain and simple, the hospital needed beds for people that had a chance of recovery.

We went from being a healthy facility with 28 residents and 25 care providers to 25 residents testing positive, 5 of them getting put on hospice, and about 8 bodies to work and keep the facility running, all within a few days.

If you think it couldn’t get any worse, think again…

We lost 4 of our residents in a matter of 3 days!!!!

 All of our kitchen staff had to go into quarantine due to a positive test and then we had to run it all with 6 people. Mind you, on a normal day we have 3 shifts running with approximately 10 care providers, 3 kitchen staff, with maintenance and management also in the building.

When we didn’t cover the floor we spend our time in the kitchen preparing soups/salads/hot dishes or sandwiches for our residents, while in the back of my mind I was thinking about my family and how much I missed them.

While all this was going on, we also had to figure out how to utilize the plans that the CDC and MDH had in place for when a facility has an outbreak. Needless to say, their plan looked better on paper then in reality.

You would have thought that when you are giving the recommended agencies a call, you would tell them what you needed and help will be on its way: be it temporary care providers or PPE supplies.

Oh boy, was I proven wrong again.

We had to fill out a form to receive a form that needed approval first to receive yet another form that then had to be forwarded for a signature to be posted for approval.

In other words: Have fun figuring it out while we tell you all the things that you may or may not be doing wrong and then on top of that, threatening you with a visit from state to look in to your facility and your policies to see where you failed.

It’s been a very long and exhausting experience and even though we are almost done with our infection period there is still no end in sight.

My heart is heavy for the residents and families we lost and I’m still checking anxiously on my residents every day to make sure nobody else passed away from this terrible virus. We are slowly having our care providers return to work and hopefully can return to a “normal” Covid-19 free future!                   

Nurse E:

I watched Tim Walz’ press conference on Wednesday, November 18th and felt the emotions pour out of him as he spoke. The feelings of: compassion- that all Minnesotan lives matter; respect- understanding that everyone has their own perspectives and beliefs in regards to politics in general, and more specifically Covid-19; exhaustion- feeling defeated as Minnesotans continue to take a stance against the recommendations, no matter the avenues his team works to approach them from; and so many more.

I watched, knowing that I had known him on a personal level, and now in a respected elected position. I do not consistently stand on the same political side that Tim and his Democratic counterparts do, but in this moment of desperation and despair, it should not matter, and it does not for me. I watch him and feel his struggles and know he cares for each one of us Minnesotans alike, no matter their level of support for his position.

Following Tim Walz’ press conference, I saw varying responses within the individuals who are “friends” within social media, I saw individuals referring to Tim as ‘the dictator,’ sharing feelings of having their rights taken away, as well as comments from individuals asking why additional clinics/hospitals weren’t being built and why we weren’t providing preventative care/supplements to individuals rather than restricting them.

I also saw many of my fellow healthcare workers and public servants sharing their adoration and support for the plans that have been put into place and encouraging one another to power through the next four weeks in order to assure we make it out on the other side.

While I am a firm believer in preventative medicine and the need to educate and empower individuals to take care of the personal health proactively, in the midst of a global pandemic, when our society is trying to survive and make it to the next day, the government is unable to direct funds toward these things.

Nurses are exhausted, they are putting in long shifts caring for individuals gasping for breath, trying to hold on for another day, in hopes that tomorrow will be better. Nurses are working extended shifts or additional overtime shifts to cover for their peers who unfortunately contracted Covid-19, have been exposed or have another ailment that takes them away from work for a shift.

Due to the staffing constraints and the additional needs within the hospitals, we are facing shortages of resources within the hospital walls, and that is not a political exaggeration to increase the community’s cooperation, this is a fact.

It is extremely difficult for me to understand how people can look at Covid-19 and make it a political battle at this time. As Minnesotans we know that the winter months are cold and flu season for us, even prior to Covid-19, mostly due to the decreased activity and outdoor time in addition to the increased hours indoors with exposure to one another’s germs. Unfortunately, the risks of illness have only magnified with the addition of Covid-19 this year.

As a nurse, it is my job to chart and document clinical data (truths) and refrain from including opinions, only observable data, describing it in understandable terms, and I have no reason to believe that Tim Walz, Jan Malcom and all members of the Minnesota Department of Health are doing anything but that. They are sharing information forward to the community to assure that we’re informed and subsequently educated, in order to assure we are making informed decisions in our daily life, including routine shopping outings, interactions with one another, and holiday celebrations.

I believe it is the best decision for all to follow the experts’ advice and refrain from gathering for annual Thanksgiving gatherings this year, in order to minimize the risk of spreading COVID-19 unknowingly to your family/friends.

I have witnessed a family gather for a celebration, with under 10 people, and 3 households, and unknowingly expose their vulnerable aging parents, who in turn tested positive for COVID-19 and continue to struggle with symptoms. The pain and frustration this unintended exposure to their parent’s causes is heartbreaking.

While I don’t work at the bedside with patients suffering from COVID-19, I feel for my fellow nurses and healthcare workers fighting this fight, let’s show them support by being proactive in our interactions with one another, refraining from holiday gatherings and wearing a face covering when running errands.

Lastly, a message from a doctor in Blue Earth County:

The exposure to kids is minimal and most every child in Blue Earth County that contracted Covid-19 was virtually unaware they even had it.

The biggest thing I’ve seen in the clinic is people not being honest about their symptoms.

If you are sick, you need to stay home.

THANK YOU to all the nurses, doctors, and health care workers who face this virus and it’s grim effects every day and for sharing your poignant stories with all of us.

You are heroes to me and countless others.

@faithinthemess

One Minnesota Nurse’s In-Depth 8-Month Account of the Pandemic

Photo credit: Melissa Neeb

Here is the entire account of “Nurse D’s” firsthand experience navigating the Covid-19 pandemic, from the beginning of 2020 through November 22nd, 2020.

She wishes to remain anonymous.

To read more nurse accounts, click here.

In the beginning of 2020, we briefly heard all the reports about the Covid-19 outbreak and I was particularly interested due to me having family and lifelong friends all over Europe. I watched in disbelief the death rate going up on a daily basis and how this virus wiped out whole families.

Not to worry, so I thought. We are thousands and thousands of miles away and this virus shouldn’t reach us. Even if it would make its way over here, it should be weakened or a vaccination will be out by that time.

As we all know this, unfortunately, is not the way it turned out and the first outbreak happened in the United States. This is when all the CDC guidelines came out.

I had the “pleasure” of reading hundreds of policies, guidelines, procedures, and rules that were changed over and over again. One policy was put in place and 24 hours a new one came out; sometimes we had 2 updated guidelines within the same day. The decision was made to go on lockdown, just for a while, until the CDC (Center for Disease Control) and MDH (Minnesota Department of Health) could figure out how to get this under control. This was the middle of March!!!

Due to the nature of my position, I was in charge of keeping all my staff informed about the guidelines, policies, and our PPE training. It didn’t trouble me at all; after all, I served in the Army before and had experience with infection control and PPE. I trained all our staff on how to properly wash their hands, how to properly wear a mask and goggles, and of course I set up a plan on how we would run a full-blown outbreak if it ever would reach our facility.

Visitations were suspended, any outdoor activities were cancelled; we had a tight ship going. We only allowed essential personnel into our facility and even then they had to screen-in by answering a sheet filled with questions, had their temperature taken, and needed to wear a mask and goggles. Everybody was on board; after all, we had to protect our residents, our care providers, and their families.

Fast forward….April, May, June, July….

People got anxious! Resident’s families couldn’t understand that we were still on lockdown. Nothing really happened and the voices got louder that residents needed to see their families. We agreed, but how do we make it work? We had to keep our residents safe and follow the CDC and MDH guidelines while keeping residents’ families happy.

Outdoor visitations started. 6 feet apart, no touching, no hugging, and keep masks on.

Remind you, we are talking about 80+ year old residents who have a hard time hearing in the first place. Now try to have a conversation with your loved one while wearing a mask and being 6 feet apart. We tried our hardest to make it work like they were sitting right next to the resident and being their “bullhorn” so the family could have a conversation.

We knew it wasn’t ideal but we tried to keep our residents, families, and the CDC and MDH happy. The last thing we wanted was to get fined because we didn’t follow the guidelines and policies.

Summer passed and fall was knocking at the door…6 months down and counting…

My care providers got tired of me hunting them down with yet another handwashing/PPE audit. We heard about a single case here and there but nothing too worrisome. Can’t be that bad, right?!?

School started back up face-to-face and I was sure they knew what they were doing.

Alright, we only had a couple months left this year and the major holidays were coming up and our families got anxious yet again. The phones were ringing left and right asking if we finally opened back up.

Families were understanding yet requested to have physical contact with their loved one. The decision was made to open up the doors for indoor visitation due to the colder temperatures being right around the corner. Our facility did not have the ability to keep going with outdoor visits.

We had a plan: 3 visitors per hour, screening in, surgical mask, hand sanitation, goggles, and a walk from the front door straight to the residents room…again…no physical contact and the mask needed to be worn at all times. When the hour was up, the visitor had to leave the building and the care providers disinfected as much touchable surfaces as possible.

Fast forward to 2 weeks after having our first indoor visitation…

It was a Friday afternoon when I got a text message from one of my management members saying that they went in to get tested due to having some mild flu symptoms and a free test was conducted in their area that particular day. Thinking nothing of it, I went on with my evening; it’s flu season, it probably is nothing.

Oh boy, was I wrong.

She tested positive. Because of the close work-relationship that management has in our facility while at work and privately, all of us had to go into quarantine and get tested that following Monday. Each of us got a different test: one had the saliva test, one got the mid-nasal, and one got the throat swab. Now the waiting began.

We were all convinced that we were positive due to the fact that we had just spent the last 3 days in close contact. We went out together to a meeting, spent lunch hours together, had a zoom meeting, and even went to purchase Christmas decorations for our facility.

I’m not going to lie, a lot of scenarios went through my head but my main concern was my family:

What if, after all these months of training and preparing, I brought it home to my family. What if my babies got sick? What about my husband? He has underlining health conditions and I could be the reason for him to get severely sick.

Believe me when I say that that night I said a very long prayer and didn’t sleep for a few nights until I finally got my test results…NEGATIVE…all 3 of us!!! YAHHH

Per CDC and MDH guidelines, because we were in contact with a confirmed Covid-19 positive person and we didn’t have any symptoms, we had to stay out for 14 days. I drove my daughter to my workplace, gave her my keys, and told her to get me the most important folders, files, calendars, and other necessities for me to keep doing my job remotely.

Now the mandatory testing for our residents and staff started:

We had a runny nose here and there, but again, it’s October and we just went from wearing t-shirts to having a 4-foot snow blizzard in one day. We are fine: after all, we had been following every single guideline for months and my girls were pros by now.

Oh boy, was I wrong again.

First round of testing and my care providers and residents tested positive one by one. Care providers had to stay home and positive residents had to go to full quarantine in their rooms. 2 week notices started to get placed on my desk.

Care providers told me that they wouldn’t show up for their shift because they were afraid to bring it home. We were down to 5 care providers and 3 of them where high schoolers who only worked part-time.

Parents started pulling their children out of fear of them getting sick. We didn’t have enough care providers left to cover all our shifts, so the decision was made to pull management out of quarantine so that we could work the floor.

Head count: 4 management, 2 care providers, and only 2 people for the kitchen were left with about 20 Covid-positive residents.

The next 10 days were the hardest and longest days that I had to endure since my service time. I decided to pack a suitcase because I knew I wouldn’t be going home for quite a while.

A: It wasn’t logical to drive back and forth just for a few hours that I may get a break and B: I didn’t want to take a chance of infecting my family.

We worked between 15 to 18 hours each day, trying to catch a quick snooze on blown-up air mattresses that we brought in and set up in our movie theater. We were eating a bunch of junk food while running up and down the hallway answering pages from residents who were running a temperature, had diarrhea, or were coughing so hard that they couldn’t catch their breath or were throwing up.

When I tell you that our Crocs didn’t have a profile left after these 10 days, I’m not over exaggerating. Around day #4, we noticed residents dropping in their O2. We normally would like to see a person’s O2 in the mid to upper 90’s if they don’t have underlining health conditions such as COPD.

We had residents complaining of shortness of breath left and right with an O2 in the mid 80’s. We were running to get oxygen tanks and hook up our residents so they could receive some sort of comfort. Ambulances were called because our residents where laughing one minute and dropping in their vitals the next and begging us for air.

It was a nightmare and not the even the best training or PPE could ever prepare you for this. Ambulances brought our residents back due to their age and the underlining health conditions they had.

Plain and simple, the hospital needed beds for people that had a chance of recovery.

We went from being a healthy facility with 28 residents and 25 care providers to 25 residents testing positive, 5 of them getting put on hospice, and about 8 bodies to work and keep the facility running, all within a few days.

If you think it couldn’t get any worse, think again…

We lost 4 of our residents in a matter of 3 days!!!!

 All of our kitchen staff had to go into quarantine due to a positive test and then we had to run it all with 6 people. Mind you, on a normal day we have 3 shifts running with approximately 10 care providers, 3 kitchen staff, with maintenance and management also in the building.

When we didn’t cover the floor we spend our time in the kitchen preparing soups/salads/hot dishes or sandwiches for our residents, while in the back of my mind I was thinking about my family and how much I missed them.

While all this was going on, we also had to figure out how to utilize the plans that the CDC and MDH had in place for when a facility has an outbreak. Needless to say, their plan looked better on paper then in reality.

You would have thought that when you are giving the recommended agencies a call, you would tell them what you needed and help will be on its way: be it temporary care providers or PPE supplies.

Oh boy, was I proven wrong again.

We had to fill out a form to receive a form that needed approval first to receive yet another form that then had to be forwarded for a signature to be posted for approval.

In other words: Have fun figuring it out while we tell you all the things that you may or may not be doing wrong and then on top of that, threatening you with a visit from state to look in to your facility and your policies to see where you failed.

It’s been a very long and exhausting experience and even though we are almost done with our infection period there is still no end in sight.

My heart is heavy for the residents and families we lost and I’m still checking anxiously on my residents every day to make sure nobody else passed away from this terrible virus. We are slowly having our care providers return to work and hopefully can return to a “normal” Covid-19 free future!                   

THANK YOU to “Nurse D” and to all the nurses, doctors, and health care workers who face this virus and it’s grim effects every day and for sharing your poignant stories with all of us.

You are heroes to me and countless others.

@faithinthemess

In the Middle of a Pandemic, God Gave Me a Lifelong Friend

We talk pretty much every day, several times a day even.

Not about small stuff either. Well, not JUST about small stuff.

We talk about everything.

Right now we are working through some really emotionally tough issues in a recovery step study that we are both a part of. Past mental and physical trauma. Paralyzing anxiety. Sleep disturbances. C0vid-related fears. Bad habits we’ve fostered for decades. Relationship struggles. Financial worries.

We also discuss dogs, teens, crafting, t-shirt slogans, husbands, and worship songs on a regular basis. There has to be a balance!

Funny thing is, we’ve only known each other since March.

We “met” online in a recovery Zoom meeting during the shutdown and became fast friends. We both battle anxiety, so having someone to check in with on a daily basis is both therapeutic and reassuring.

When one feels like she is drowning, the other is the gently bobbing lifeboat.

There is no shame or judgment in the lifeboat. Only coffee and life-preservers.

And maybe a few dogs.

God placed this lady in my life during one of the strangest and most uncertain of times. The pandemic. A time when the whole world was isolated and locked inside the 4 walls of their homes. God gets really unconventional sometimes.

I wasn’t sleeping well. I was spinning in all directions, unable to find solid footing. I was facing financial strain and massive health concerns with a stomach firmly knotted and migraines plaguing me.

Days of isolation turned into months.

She was there. Just a Zoom room away. Ready to talk it all out, offer tears of empathy, memes to make me laugh, and share any resources she had. Even while wading neck deep through her own trials and fears.

In 8 months time, we have done the impossible. We have forged a forever friendship. We are iron sharpening iron.

We pray together. We uplift each other. We give each other grace.

Back in March, God knew what He was doing. He knew in this pandemic, I would need a friend.

He gave me just the friend I needed.

He gave me Angela.

For more:

Follow Faith in the Mess on Facebook

and @faith_in_the_mess on Instagram.

Finding God at Rock Bottom

I couldn’t go on like this anymore.

My husband had another relapse, a pile of relapses, years of relapses. Once again I didn’t know where he was. I didn’t know if he had been in a car accident, if he was holed up somewhere waiting out his high or simply hiding from me, or if he had overdosed and died.

Any, ALL of these senarios were possible. I was left to my lowest common denominator, empty and hopeless, waiting for a phone call to solidify my fears.

There were countless night like this. This is the life of loving an addict.

You never know.

This was the last time. It may not have been the last time for him, but it was for me. I was at rock bottom. My heart couldn’t survive this anymore.

I dropped to my knees by the side of the bed, wailing, broken, defeated, desperate. Desperate for change. Desperate for my husband to finally get it. Desperate for our marriage to live up to its potential. Desperate for my husband to live. Yet everything I tried failed. All I had left was to beg for help.

I unleashed all my prayers in one breath and cried out to God. I let it all out: my fears, my frustration, my despair, my agony. And then I felt a wave of calm come over me. I dried my tears, got up, crawled into bed, and fell asleep.

God didn’t answer my prayer the way I thought He would.

See, God’s had a plan bigger and better than mine.

God didn’t change my outside circumstances. Not right away.

Instead, He changed me.

The night that I dropped down on my knees, literally, in the worst emotional and spiritual crisis of my life, God changed my heart.

I began to see my husband with the eyes of God. He was in pain and so was I. We couldn’t do this by ourselves. This disease was too big, too powerful, too cunning, and too full of madness. It was burying us, day by day, one inch, one limb at a time.

I needed saving.

At my weakest point, God asked for my complete surrender and trust.

I am so grateful for the night that I came to the end of myself. That night I hit rock bottom and that was when I truly found God.

What I didn’t realized until that moment was that

He had been there all along.

@faithinthemess by Melissa Neeb

My Husband’s Love Makes Me Feel Beautiful


I always feel beautiful in my husband’s presence.

How I look doesn’t matter to him. Makeup or bare-faced. Dressed up or in baggy sweats with stains. Healthy or sick. Freshly showered or sweaty mess. Sleepy, creased morning face or polished ready-for-the-day face. Covered in lotion or covered in dirt.

Doesn’t matter.

He looks at me utterly captivated, and I don’t doubt for a second how much he loves me. It’s etched into his expression.

I would not want anything less.

This has nothing to do with my magneticism and everything to do with the intimacy we’ve built in our marriage. Let me be clear in saying that it took years of counseling, distance, tears, arguments, pain, and uncomfortable conversations before we got here. It took work; hard, emotionally exhausting work.

It took unwavering commitment. It took us discarding all our masks, all our unrealistict expectations, and all the baggage we were carrying from childhood and previous relationships.

It also required forgiveness–not just in name only.

We’re talking epic, sweeping forgiveness for all the ways we had hurt each other in the past. The nasty names we had called each other. The overwhelming ways we’d let each other down. The lies we’d told.

True, enduring, passionate, life-long love can only be accomplished with vulnerability and 100% honesty. Any lie allowed to remain is a festering infection in a marriage.

Intimacy cannot co-exist with lies.

No matter how much damage your marriage has endured, God can repair it if you give him the chance. He wants you to be passionately loved by your spouse.

Every wife on Earth deserves to have a husband who looks at her the way my beloved looks at me. Unfiltered, unbridled, unquestionable love.

I thank God every day for him. Even when things have been difficult, even when my husband and I were miles away emotionally, even the times I doubted we would ever have the kind of relationship I prayed for, God had a plan for us.

You better believe He has a plan for your marriage, too.

@faithinthemess

A Letter to Me in My Twenties

jandi

Dear child,

(And yes, you are a child.)

I can say with all confidence that you have no idea who you are. I think even you know that. You are all bound up by other people’s ropes. You drink too much. You compromise your values. You shut the door on God.

You seek your value from the opinions of strangers, people in bars, “friends” who will never know the real you because they will disappear once you leave drinking behind. And you will. Leave drinking behind.

For you it will just be a phase, albeit a powerful, life-changing one. For others you love, drinking will not be a phase. It will be nearly impossible for them to quit and that will very nearly destroy you.

You try to change people, help people, save people, but you lose yourself in the process. You have lost yourself.

You think you are not interesting. That your voice is drowned out by people who are stronger, more self-assured, more outgoing, more knowledgeable, more worldly, more talented, and funnier than you are. You are ridiculed for your quiet personality, so you take to alcohol to make you brave. But you, beautiful girl, are much stronger and more courageous than you know. You are about to find this out.

When you become a mother, you will have no idea what you are doing while simultaneously already knowing what to do. You will raise two incredible, gorgeous children. You will persevere in your marriage and you will love your husband beyond imagination. You will be their rock when the fragile world inside their walls crumbles. You will never give up. You will forgive the impossible.

You will find your passions again. This will be necessary so that you can definitively discard your masks and the secrets you hide. Your passions will polish the dull off your days and make the sun radiate again. Exploring the things you love will unearth your most authentic self, the person you were born to be.

Right now you are in the seed stage, surrounded on all sides by darkness. You think you are being crushed, suffocated, buried. But you were planted here and your growth is coming. Be patient.

You will find your way when you come to the end of yourself. You will find God there.

Your worth is not in the hands of someone else. It is not held by your teachers, classmates, friends, or boyfriends. It is not determined by your own worst criticisms of yourself. Your worth was established long ago by God.

You are God-designed.

Right now you have no idea where you are or how you got there. You wonder if you are making mistakes that will change the trajectory of your life. You question yourself at every turn: your decisions, how you look, your imperfections, your lack. But you are not lacking. You have everything you need. God has good for you. Believe that. Know that.

And you, precious soul, are exactly WHO you are supposed to be. You don’t have to worry about what the future has for you, if you will be enough. You will succeed against all odds, despite personal tragedy, and in spite, sometimes, of yourself.

You will. With God by your side, you cannot fail.

Chin up, beautiful girl. You have a fight coming, but you will survive. Don’t wear the veil of victimhood. You think you are meant to cower in the corner and exist unseen and unheard. But you are a warrior.

And you are about to roar.

-Future Me

me and jason

@faithinthemess by Melissa Neeb