I couldn’t go on like this anymore.
My husband had another relapse, a pile of relapses, years of relapses. Once again I didn’t know where he was. I didn’t know if he had been in a car accident, if he was holed up somewhere waiting out his high or simply hiding from me, or if he had overdosed and died.
Any, ALL of these senarios were possible. I was left to my lowest common denominator, empty and hopeless, waiting for a phone call to solidify my fears.
There were countless night like this. This is the life of loving an addict.
You never know.
This was the last time. It may not have been the last time for him, but it was for me. I was at rock bottom. My heart couldn’t survive this anymore.
I dropped to my knees by the side of the bed, wailing, broken, defeated, desperate. Desperate for change. Desperate for my husband to finally get it. Desperate for our marriage to live up to its potential. Desperate for my husband to live. Yet everything I tried failed. All I had left was to beg for help.
I unleashed all my prayers in one breath and cried out to God. I let it all out: my fears, my frustration, my despair, my agony. And then I felt a wave of calm come over me. I dried my tears, got up, crawled into bed, and fell asleep.
God didn’t answer my prayer the way I thought He would.
See, God’s had a plan bigger and better than mine.
God didn’t change my outside circumstances. Not right away.
Instead, He changed me.
The night that I dropped down on my knees, literally, in the worst emotional and spiritual crisis of my life, God changed my heart.
I began to see my husband with the eyes of God. He was in pain and so was I. We couldn’t do this by ourselves. This disease was too big, too powerful, too cunning, and too full of madness. It was burying us, day by day, one inch, one limb at a time.
I needed saving.
At my weakest point, God asked for my complete surrender and trust.
I am so grateful for the night that I came to the end of myself. That night I hit rock bottom and that was when I truly found God.
What I didn’t realized until that moment was that
He had been there all along.
@faithinthemess by Melissa Neeb